How to Stay Married - Dick Hills.pdf

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Copyright © Dick Hills 1995.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor
transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without
the written permission of the publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
England
www.summersdale.com
ISBN 1 873475 32 2
Original illustrations by Sophie Sitwell.
Content
Prologue............................................................................................4
Introduction.....................................................................................4
1. Sex before marriage (and after it).................................................. 5
2. No confetti.................................................................................12
3. Just cause ...........................................................................................17
4. Mother-in-lawlessness.................................................................25
5. Can you keep a secret?..................................................................31
6. On picking one’s own. ...............................................................36
7. Water water everywhere.............................................................40
8. What every child knows about sex
and the parents are afraid to ask..............................................45
9. How to stay married without living together............................51
10. Don’t die on a Friday.................................................................59
11. On the advantages of being nagged............................................64
12. Spare the rod and spoil your retirement....................................68
13. An eye for the birds..................................................................74
14. What’s in a name?.....................................................................78
15. Fringe benefits from the birth of Jesus.....................................83
16. Pulling out all the plugs...........................................................90
17. All thy worldly goods.............................................................93
18. The re-patter of tiny feet.........................................................101
19. The keeper of the purse..........................................................105
20. On getting lost........................................................................112
21. Keeping up with the Joneses..................................................118
22. Spanish according to Mr. Doust..............................................122
23. Coping with Anno Domini...................................................127
24. The old dog and bone............................................................132
25. Madness................................................................................141
26. The night they invented sex..................................................147
27. Residual guides to married life...............................................154
Epilogue
What sort of marriage would sir and madam prefer?.......................... 156
ntent
ntents
4 H OW T O S TAY M ARRIED
PProlog
oogue
uue
Very few people have ever read Prologues so I haven’t written
one.
Dick Hills
Introduc
u ucti
t tion
Very few people read Introductions either but it doesn’t really
matter.
How To Stay Married ? That doesn’t seem to be the modern
problem. How to persuade people to get married is the present
dilemma.
It’s the modern practice for the girl and her ‘live-in’
boyfriend to rent a flat, hire a television set, and bonk
themselves into oblivion, happy in the knowledge that if the
bonking turns out to be a case of a left hand screw trying to
get into a right hand thread, they can wave goodbye without
going through the blender of a divorce.
Only if an offspring arrives, with another one on the way,
do they have to make the decision either to get married or
buy a television licence.
Usually the television licence wins, because such are the
laws of our land after 2000 years of Christianity, that possessing
a television set without a licence carries a heavy fine, but
possessing a family without a marriage licence carries no fine
at all. (In fact, they pay you .)
Against such odds I surrender, and confine my hints to
those who have taken the mystical step into matrimony.
PPr
Pr
oog
u uc
t ti
Intr
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