[1]Jihaku_Shuusei.pdf

Shuusei

~Birth~

1. Youshouki no Rinshi Taiken to Kakuri Byoutou Seikatsu

~ My Near-Death Experiences as a Child and Life in the Hospital Isolation Ward ~

I am in a cradle. It sways gently back and forth. My field of vision, dim. Peeping out at my

mother's face. Above her head, a mobile spins fitfully, playing a music box tune.

In the next instant, one year old, two years old, three years old…the memories of those times

reappear before me very vividly. Me crawling. Walking on unsteady legs. Trying so hard to say

words that I remembered. I couldn't talk very well.

"Ma…ma…"

Her words to me also come back to me like this.

"Tomorrow you have a piano lesson."

"Practice!"

Bright, sunny days. Sweat sliding along the piano keyboard…

Along the axis of time, these events are truly just several seconds long. Between them, a few

very long [lit: enormous] memories run around my head with ferocious speed. Every moment of

these memories that I lived till then become vivid images and begin to spin like a revolving

lantern.

Am I going to die….?

Up until now, I have thought this 15 times.

The first time this revolving lantern happened was when I was seven years old.

Drowning in the Okinawa sea, being swallowed by the waves, painfully, struggling and

struggling, my feet unable to touch the bottom, seeing things above my head being pulled along

forcefully by the waves. Pulled along by the water. Though I tried to breathe, all that entered my

mouth was saltwater.

As I could do nothing but drink the saltwater, all sound suddenly disappeared. A gentle

sensation, a warm sensation, and there was a feeling as if I was being completely embraced by

something. It doesn't matter what you call it. I was enveloped in a relief that I had not felt until

that moment.

It was just after that moment. The revolving lantern began to move. All the memories I had since

my birth till then began to one by one flash through my mind.

It was the first time this happened. I felt no fear. I thought that surely I was going to die.

But I didn't die.

Thereafter, whenever I come close to death, the revolving lantern spins. In situations where I

may die, such as traffic accident, a fight, it appears suddenly.

It has happened 15 times. That's a little much, perhaps.

I was a mischievous child. I had a tendency to face death.

When I drowned, I was terribly afraid. A part of the reason was, I think, that I was violently

afraid of death. But at the same time, I was fascinated by death. I was caught by it. If I didn't try

to go close to it, then I wouldn't see it. I wanted to go as close as I could to it because I wanted to

examine it. That was the kind of boy that I was.

Because of this, I would intentionally do things that were dangerous. I did things many times that

made me wonder if I would die. Of course, I was always scared, but when that moment drew

near, I was always calm.

Just a little more. Just a little more and I can maybe see the answer. That was the feeling. At that

level, I couldn't die. If I was at that level, I could do it. I wanted to see more and more into the

next world. There were times I'd cheer myself up by telling myself that.

For example, I loved bikes and when I was a teenager I would ride often. The city had a lot of

curbs, and I think that at that time, I had a strange way of getting up on the curb [lit: attack]. I

didn't have any skill, but I felt I could get up to that level. I really loved that feeling.

I was going faster and faster, and when I crossed over one area, there was a second when I saw

everything in slow motion. That feeling lasted for a long time and it was as if I saw everything

clearly. In that place that I crossed, surely something was there, and I wanted to see it. Because I

wanted to savor that, I was reckless.

Until I saw the revolving lantern, I would continue to drive at things with all my might. When I

can see the revolving lantern, it is the first time I have a consciousness of death. Then, I am in

the place between life and death. Until I felt that, I could not do things to the fullest.

Now, I think, "That was strange." I was a dangerous child.

I sought death and I didn't know the meaning of life. What does it mean to live? Where can I find

the value of my life and existence?

Truthfully, questions like that also had the opportunity to be born from my personal experiences

when I was seven years old.

After I drowned, I became able to see many things. That day, all boundaries were broken. After

my eyes were opened, until now, I became able to see completely things that before I could not

see. I couldn't distinguish between people who were living and people who were not.

When I talked to the people who were not living, it must have been bizarre watching me from the

outside. My parents were of course surprised.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Uncle."

"Where is Uncle?"

As they said that, they would laugh.

Perhaps they laughed and ignored it. But didn't they ignore it because their hearts were afraid to

face me?

This began happening with more and more frequency, and I became thought of as very mentally

strange. People talked about me, and I became uncertain of the meaning of my existence.

Because I could see both live people and dead people, I didn't understand what life itself meant.

This continued, and when I was ten years old, I suddenly collapsed. I had a violent pain in my

stomach and intestines, and I couldn't move.

After I was taken to the hospital, I was told that the cause was unknown. They told me that while

that was the case, I probably had some sort of infectious disease.

So I was suddenly isolated. Isolated, in confinement, thrown into a hospital ward that was more a

prison. I think that they put me in the pediatric ward because I was so young. Children who were

heavily ill, had infectious diseases, or had terminal illnesses were in that ward. Being ten years

old, that's what I thought. All of them were in a cage, and were likely to go down the corridor at

any time.

Down the corridor, in another sick ward, were children who were probably going to die. I often

knew when that would happen.

Talking with those children, I would then feel, "That child is going to die tomorrow."

The next morning, I would hear the nurses' feet go pattering down the hallway. Then I knew that

one of my friends had died.

Those were hard days. I couldn't stand it. Just when I made a friend, they would be dead the next

day. And that was something only I knew. It was hell.

Being in a place like that, I grew very strange. But because I was not mentally strong, I did not

receive a quick release.

Why didn't they release me? Because I wasn't normal? What is the difference between being

normal and not normal?

I thought incredibly hard about that. I couldn't escape. I had to do something to get out of there.

So I continued to think.

I began to watch my senior doctor. When I imitated him exactly, I was observed to be "normal."

This went on for about ten days or so. Suddenly, they told me, "You can go home."

I didn't change at all. But though nothing inside of me changed…

To the adults who said "I told you so," I had only a feeling of deep distrust.

But I didn't want to ever go back to that hospital.

So, from then on, I continued to copy the people who my parents and other adults of that

generation said were correct.

All the while, I held on to the thought of "What on earth am I?"

2. Sparta Ongaku Kyouiku

~ A Spartan Music Education ~

Ever since I can remember, there was an environment around me that made it only natural that I

play the piano.

I started when I was three years old. My father played the trumpet, and both of my parents had

the common thought to make me learn the piano.

My house was a classical home. There were a lot of orchestral works. Later, somehow, there was

chanson and tango. It's a funny story, but…

Because I couldn't watch TV, I knew absolutely nothing about rock itself.

My father also really liked Enka. However, he never listened to it in the house, but always while

he was driving. His car always smelled very strongly of perfume, and to me, who got very

carsick, it seemed like torture. It was definitely like being drunk. Enka was what was on during

that time I felt drunk and terrible. I wanted to hurry up and get out of the car. I put my hands

over my ears and just pray that I could get out. Just because of Enka, I became conditioned to do

that. I really hated Enka.

Now when I listen to it, it's a nice melody. But when I was young, I didn't listen to the lyrics, and

Japanese music itself was incompatible with me.

In my music textbook appear many nursery rhymes and songs and minor chords. Why is

Japanese music so dark and depressing? All the melodies are sad.

Compared to this, classical orchestral pieces are violent and forceful. Bright. Inevitably, I

became attracted more to foreign music than Japanese music.

The teacher who started teaching me from when I was three was a good person. I loved the

piano. Maybe it was because it was fun seeing this teacher. I liked it so much that I never

complained about practicing.

However, when I entered elementary school, piano lessons became unpleasant.

I started having doubts and questions when I was seven years old. Practicing piano became

shameful for me.

I felt strongly, "I'm being made to do it." It was agonizing. We moved a few times, and one after

another I changed different teachers, and this was one of the causes for me hating piano.

At seven years old was when I drowned in the ocean, right? From that time on, my world

became an open gallery.

No matter what teacher I had at that time, they would beat me. I was slapped on the arm and the

shoulder. "Do you feel like doing it?" they would say in a cold voice. In my heart, resistance

would flare up. I wanted to quit piano, However, my parents wouldn't let me. I wondered how I

could quit.

The only thing I could do was make my teacher hate me. I twisted a chain around his front door

and tied it to the key so that you couldn't get in from the outside. He called me a stupid kid [lit:

mischievous] and threw a rock at me. I made him very angry, but all I wanted to make him say

was, "This child is irresponsible. Make him quit." I also wanted to make my parents think, "His

teacher isn't home."

My wish came true, and I was just able to quit piano when I was 11 years old.

3. Piano ni Mezameta Chuugakusei Jidai

~ Awakening to Piano as a Middle-school Student ~

After I was able to quit piano, I didn't even sit in front of the piano anymore. I was just a naughty

child every day.

When I was 14 years old, I became friends with a particular boy. All of the boys I played

together with came from many different family backgrounds, and there were many of them who

you could say were not very good.

Their families were shady [lit: wild], and they always thought about running away, leaving for

the outside world. There wasn't really anyone else besides boys who felt that way.

But he was the only different one. His thinking was different in every way. Though he was

mischievous, he didn't think about running away. There were some really awful arguments.

Before I knew it, I found myself liking him and spending more time with him.

One day when we were skipping school, he said to me, "My parents aren't home right now, so

why don't we go to my house?" Before that, I hadn't even been to his house once.

Because he would say all the time "My parents are really strict," I didn't even know what

neighborhood his house was in.

The first time we went to his house, I found that it was a mansion. The gate was imposing, and it

was the first time I had ever been exposed to such an affluent family. I realized that there. So, I

didn't want to show anyone my house. Going with a companion there was obviously very

different.

We went into the house from the garden, and in the room right in front of us was a grand piano.

This grand piano was far grander than the one we had in the music room at school.

"Whose is this?" I said without thinking.

And he said nonchalantly, "It's mine."

"Liar!"

"Nope, that's the truth."

As he said that, he quietly opened the lid of the piano and suddenly began playing.

I couldn't believe it. My companion who I'd played pranks with together was playing the piano!

And not only that, but he was really good.

"My parents are music teachers, so since I was little, they made me learn piano," he said. And

then I decided to be frank with him.

"To tell you the truth, I play the piano too."

So then, I tried to demonstrate my playing.

However, my level of playing was nothing exceptional. Though I knew his upbringing and mine

had been similar, his skill certainly far surpassed mine. My playing level wasn't even worth

mentioning.

I quit piano at age 11 and then had three years of nothing, so what is the difference there?

Wanting to show off the differences between us, I just got hurt.

I felt a rising determination of not wanting to lose to him.

I hate losing.

I ran to the town's music store and looked for all kinds of piano pieces. Sheet music for the

piano. They were divided by grade and rank.

The piece my friend played for me was a very high and difficult grade, somewhere around D or

E. In order to pass him, I would have to play level A or B. Even practicing C was out of the

question. Buying all of the piano pieces that had a difficulty level above E, I went home and

from that day forward, I started practicing piano like a madman.

I didn't want to lose. That was all. It wasn't because I started liking piano. I didn't even go to

school; I just practiced. I practiced so much that I didn't even sleep.

I immersed myself so much in my piano playing that my parents thought that this sudden

inspiration was incredibly weird, and where they had in the past told me to go practice, now they

were yelling at me, "Stop already!"

4. Drum Zanmai no Koukousei Jidai

~ High School Days Completely Absorbed in Drumming ~

I don't want to lose! That was the only thing making me continue to play piano. If there was a

piano where I was, I'd practice, no matter if it was night, noon, or morning.

I didn't continue this because I started liking piano. But though I really hated it, I came to realize

the joy that was there in playing. At that time, it was like I began to realize that playing a musical

instrument could be fun.

Because my father played the trumpet, I was familiar with brass instruments. Basically, the

fingering (how to move your fingers) is mostly done the same for all of them. If I played

trumpet, then I could play other brass instruments as well. Because my fingers had been

disciplined on piano, it was easy to move them. With this, I became able to play all brass

instruments.

At that time, my senpai at the high school came to my junior high. In our music room someone

had put together a drumset, and he suddenly sat down and started playing it without warning.

It was cool. The drums were really cool.

That senpai was a troublemaker, and from the beginning he had always been cool. But to me, he

was the first person I knew who played an instrument and was still cool.

At that time, it was a shock. Drums are played with a lot of force and pounding. Was there really

an instrument that was so violent?!

I was really attracted by that, and I began to think that I would like to try and learn the drums

too.

Because I had a good relationship with my senpai's senpai, I decided to ask him.

"What year did he start so that he could get this good?" I asked.

He said, "He's only been playing for a year. There are two guys at his high school who are better

than him."

I was astonished that it could only take a year to become so good.

I got someone who went to the same high school as my senpai to teach me drums, and was much

better than my senpai and on a completely different level. Those were days when I was

completely absorbed in drumming. I did nothing but drum.

The drums are an indispensable instrument to any band. Drums, guitar, bass…it was the first

time that I was touched by these instruments that made up a band.

However, I didn't have any idea about what a band was. I was just in love with the drums.

And also, at that time, I didn't think the idea of a band was all that interesting.

Because the senpai that taught me the drums was a junior in high school, he graduated a year

after I entered high school. After that, I played by myself. With my teacher gone, my motivation

began dropping.

I began to seek motivation in other things. In doing that, I first became aware of something

called a "studio."

There was a worn-out drum set there. There, when I was being taught, I met some guys who

played guitar. They began performing in the studio next-door.

"Ah, so is this what a band is?"

The music that I heard coming from next door was really horrific and terrible.

Though I thought it was horrible, I had been playing in a gifted and talented music program since

I was a young child. However, the guys who were in the band next door were mostly guys who

had started learning instruments when they were in junior high or high school. They didn't have

anyone to teach them, so they were self-taught. Honestly, they sucked. They really did.

"What the heck are they doing? Is a band really such a shitty group of people?"

At 16 or 17, I viewed people who were in bands as really stupid.

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