Fissure Monroe
by Tom Lichtenberg
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 1984 by Tom Lichtenberg
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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TABLE OF INFORMANTS
Dawn Debris - In the Land of Many Things
Hellen Duane - Bone Fucker's Song
Ferdinand Jerome - From the Age of Skeleton Chic
Rick Frick - Store Dick
Miss X: Defendant x - ruin my career!
Inspector Mole:Chief Inspector Stanley Mole - The Case of the Missing Fibula
Filmed on location at "The Dorsal Humerus "
1214 Discovery Street
Jamestown, Virginia.
Frick: My name is Richard Frick. I am a private store detective, presently employed at "The Dorsal Humerus", a bone and fossil shop at 1214 Discovery Avenue in Jamestown. I am forty-six years old, divorced, and live alone, well, with Jeremy, my frog, at 16th avenue and West 7th street. I have been employed at the forenamed store location for the past eight months. Previously I worked for Harriman Investigations, based in Roanoke and Richmond.
Inspector Mole: Roanoke and Richmond?
Frick: Yes
Inspector Mole: Thank you, Mr. Frick.
Frick: You’re welcome, Mr. Chief Inspector, sir.
F. Jerome: it all began last winter, last October, thereabouts, when Ardell Industries introduced their special x-ray spectacles. Did I say last year? I meant two years ago, the previous October. That would make it almost nineteen months now, yes, I think that's right. October tenth, I think it was, to be exact.
Inspector Mole: Does this have any bearing on the case, Mr. Jerome?
F. Jerome: Yes, I'm coming to that, yes, of course. I'm just trying to give you some background information. My testimony would be incomplete without it.
Inspector Mole: All right, then, get on with it.
F. Jerome: Thank you, sir, I will.
Dawn Debris, Yeah, that's my name, my working name, that is. You can look it up, in the yellow pages, under 'things - lost and found'. No, I find them, I don't lose 'em. And I guarantee my work. If you aren't completely satisfied, I'll refund my fee. And fuck you too, I say. But anyway, these here are my memoirs Dawn Debris most fabulous cases, recorded for posterity, and anybody else that's inarested.
Inspector Mole:note: in order to safeguard her constitutional right to privacy, and to protect her anonymity, Miss Janet Monroe, of northwest Fortieth street, will hereafter be referred to solely as defendant X, in all matters pertaining to the investigation of this case. The testimony of three witnesses has also been included in this report for further reference, in case it should be needed.
I didn't do it, I swear, I didn't have anything to do with it. I’m entirely innocent. If anybody hears about all this, it will ruin my career. You don't have any evidence, no evidence at all, because there isn't any evidence, I'm innocent. I didn't do anything wrong. I was only shopping.
Inspector Mole: Miss X, the detective on the scene, the store detective, mister Frick, has testified that he saw you do it, that he saw you put it in your coat, and proceed to head straight toward the door.
He's wrong. It's obvious, of course, how could he see me do it when I didn't have anything, I didn't have anything on me. I wasn't even shopping, really, not for anything in particular. I was only browsing. Isn't that allowed? I am not a thief, Mr. Mole. I must insist you let me go.
Inspector Mole: Not yet, Miss X. I'm sorry but I have to ask you some further questions.
Miss X: But I've told you everything. I’ve told you all I know. I’m innocent. I didn't do a thing.
Inspector Mole:Miss X, if you please... What did you do with the fibula?
Miss X: What's a fibula? I swear I don't know what that is. I’ve never even heard that word before.
Inspector Mole: Come on, Miss X, everybody knows what a fibula is.
Miss X: Maybe they do, but what do I know? Is it so important to know the name of every bone in the human body? Since when? When I was growing up, no one seemed to care about all that.
Inspector Mole: So you do know what it is?
Miss X: Well, now I do, that's for sure. I can tell you, though, I wish I'd never heard that stupid word!
Hellen: I've got a voice, a beautiful voice, but you, you'll never hear it. I hide it here behind my harp.
Listen! In 1985 a cup of coffee costed fifty cent over at the burger joint, that's fo a small cup - tiny! And a egg salad samwich was about a dollar ten. So lunch is two dollars just about right there. I could make that in a hour on a lucky day. Then there's dinner, which ain't much, maybe two and fifty if I go fo a burger and some fries. Cup of coffee in the morning, an another one at night, and that's your whole day, just about.
So I figure it cost me about four dollars every day or thereabouts, you know, that ain't so much, four bucks is only sixteen quarters and I used to make that much on a good day, and then I'd get a magazine or something at the pigeon weather place over there on Madison, or else one time I got a army blanket real cheap at the flea market out in Frederick
Frick: I worked for Harriman Investigations for seven years and four months and eight days. Eight had always been my lucky number. You may think me superstitious, but you can take my word, it works. I've been in this business long enough to know, if it works, then use it, no matter what it is. I've always been suspicious, I mean superstitious, well, that too. Some folks are naturals, I suppose.
Inspector Mole: Mr. Frick, please keep in mind that this is an investigation, not a reverse-enhancement class.
Frick: Forgive me, sir, I'm sorry. As I was saying, then, directly after leaving Harriman's, I was hired by the Dorsal Humerus to be their chief security officer. Since that time I have made numerous arrests, and have co-operated fully with the law.
Inspector Mole: Yes, I am aware of that.
Frick: I'm sure you are, sir. And all but one of the criminals I've caught have been convicted by the courts, or will be, soon enough. I take my duties seriously, sir, and I will not have it said that I have been a derelict in them. I know what I saw, sir, and I am a firm believer in my own eyes.
Inspector Mole: Please describe your usual procedure in such matters, Mr. Frick. How do you operate in cases of this kind?
Frick: First thing, sir, you have to look. That is the most important thing. Be alert. Notice everybody. Watch their every move. Everybody gives themself away, in one manner or another. Nothing can escape the person who knows how to watch.
Inspector Mole: And this particular suspect, did she seem suspicious to you right away?
Frick: To me, everybody is suspicious right away. It's only later on that they become a suspect or do not. I have to scrutinize them all. The very first thing I notice is the arms - what they do with both their arms while they are walking. Most people don't know what hell to do with them! It's the people who know that seem the most suspicious, as if they have come in with the specific intention of using them - especially the hands. You have to watch the hands most carefully.
Inspector Mole: And what else do you notice right away?
Frick: The feet. The legs and feet. You gotta see what they do with them. Most people just ignore their feet. A thief has a special use for them. So I pay close attention to the feet.
Inspector Mole: The feet.
Frick: Yes, sir, the feet. Not just the feet, but the legs and feet together. No one has the same anatomy, when you get beneath the skin.
Inspector Mole: I'm not sure I understand.
Frick: Thru-ray vision, sir, that's what I mean. As a security maintenance officer, I of course employ the most sophisticated technology in my work. In other words, I take a skeletal approach. We no longer merely stay upon the surface of the matter, sir. We use depth-perception now.
Inspector Mole: Yes, I am familiar with the method, Mr. Frick.
Frick: I am certain that you are, and I didn't intend to imply otherwise, sir. In fact, I have a great respect for officials of the law, and hope to be one myself someday.
Inspector Mole: Well, I wish you luck in that.
Frick: Thank you, sir, I need it.
Inspector Mole: Yes, I'm sure you do.
Dawn: Okay, the case of the missing fibula, in the land of many things. I get most of my business through the telephone. That's because I got this great ad in the yellow pages. I even designed it myself. And I've got a whole compartment, all my own, so, no competition, none at all. Nobody does what I do. Oh, there are other guys who find things for a living, but the kind of things they find, I don't deal in any of that shit. They look for wallets, jewelry, so-called 'precious' shit, but I don't give a fuck about that kind of stuff. That's not what 'precious' means to me. Gold ring? You can keep it, I don't care. Pigeon feather earrings? Well, now, that depends. If they didn't cost too much, okay? Silver-plated salad bowls? I don't even want to know. Thats not what 'value' means to me.
So mostly I've got this answering machine, you know, the way I screen my calls, see if I wanna talk to them or not. I don't sit there listening, either. I leave the tape on all the time. It's got a message on it, so that when it picks it up it says, yo, diss is Dawn Debris. I ain't aroun' jus' now, so you jus' tell this here machine what's on your mind, and what yer callin' fer. An' leave yer name 'n number so's that I can call you back.
A lot of people just don't go for that. They hang up right away and don't call back. That's fine with me. It's all part of my screening technique. And then I listen to the message, and if I don't like the kind of thing they lost, then I just don't call them back. So, you see, it's all extremely simple. I just do the kind of job I like, and the rest don't bother me none at all. Of course, a lot of people they don't like the way I operate, but it's just too bad for them. The people I help know better. And I've got a flawless record, guaranteed!
I'll make it plain. I only locate special things - things of no intrinsic money value to anybody but the person who has lost it. I'm talking teddy bears, favorite socks, old tin forks, whatever it is that means a lot to them, that means so much they're actually willing to pay me to try and find it. Call me a sucker, but I've never turned away a client missing something truly trivial and stupid. Call me a sentimental fool, call me anything you like, I don't care. I know what my mission is in life.
I am the best there is. One time there was this guy who lost his favorite sweatshirt. It was all black, with a zipper down the front, and a big hole in the left front pocket. It was stolen from the backside of a chair, while he was sitting in a coffee shop reading about that boy without a nose. You know, the one that everyone was crying about, in the papers, on tv. Well, I not only found the sweatshirt, I also found the nose, and I wasn't even hired on that job! Tell you how I did it. There's a man called soy sauce merry, lives down in the underground, on deliberate skid row. Anyway, this guy, he's an old time friend of mine, and he knows every little thing that passes on down there. People think he's lost to all the world, but things are never what they seem.
F. Jerome: I am a scholar, sir, an independent researcher, to be exact. My field is general culturology. I am, if I might say, the leading expert in my branch of this particular realm. You may have seen my book, 'the fossil files'. I was working on the sequel at the time we are discussing. In my book, I cataloged the most outstanding characteristic features of the so-called 'fossil culture' which swept across the nation some few years ago, remnants of which remain, as remnants tend to do, among certain sideline segments of our general population.
Inspector Mole: Mr. Jerome, I really don't see the relevance of this testimony. We are speaking of the afternoon of may 14th, and what occurred then at the Dorsal Humerus.
F. Jerome: of course, sir, yes, I understand, but I must give my reasons for my being there at that time, and I assure you that all of this is most excruciatingly relevant,as you will no doubt see.
Inspector Mole: Well, you may not doubt it... But go ahead, proceed.
F. Jerome: Thank you, sir, I will. As I was saying, the fossil mania was quite the thing there for awhile. It changed the way that people thought and acted. In some respects, it was a backlash to the previous mood of high anticipation. The very concept of the future was revalued, to the increase of the notion of the past. Of course, I'm only summarizing some of the salient features of my book. ' New Wave ', as it was called, culminated as all trends do in utter caricature and parody of itself. It was impossible to be younger, fresher, newer, shorter, faster, cuter, smarter, sharper, slicker or more avant garde than the ultimate models of that fashion were. The same kind of decay was bound to happen with the fossil fashion too.
Inspector Mole: Mr. Jerome, this is not a...
F. Jerome: Personally, I expected the manikin trend to become the dominant fad - and I still believe it will - but first the age of skeleton chic was born. I will admit it took me somewhat by surprise, but in hindsight now I know it was to be expected. But if you want to understand this skeleton chic, first you have to understand the fossil culture, which was its most direct progenitor
Inspector Mole: Mr. Jerome, I don't want to understand this so-called skeleton chic. That is not my business. I only want to know what you were doing there, and exactly what you saw occur.
F. Jerome: I was attempting to explain, sir, if you'll only have some patience.
Inspector Mole: I do not have all day.
F. Jerome: Nor do i, sir, nor do i.
Hellen: Of course, there's batteries. I think that was my main expense, but I really didn't need them things, you know, but that was just my big thing way back then, and it was something no one else had ever done. It was the sound I had, still back then that was long before I got the system I got now so I don't need no batteries as long as I can plug it in to those construction workers things.
Listen! I am telling you the story now! In 1972 a cup of coffee was only fifteen cent, where I was back then, and I got by on less than two a day, two bucks that is, and I will tell you this - I know it's difficult to believe but even then the cost of living going up so much by now and people still felt the same about a quarter then as they did then in 1986 and even now today, right now, they give a quarter mostly.
From where I'm at, there's a hell of a lot more quarters in the world than dimes or nickels and I swear I hardly ever see a penny. People'd be too much ashamed to give me a penny, and it's a good thing too, 'cause I'd a thrown it right back at their face, say what the hell you mean by givin' me this lousy penny? Ain't you got no lousy quarters? What the hell you think this is? You can fuck that penny shit, you know!
Inspector Mole: You said that you were only browsing. Why? What made you go into that store, that day?
Miss X: Oh, all this talk of skeletons and bones, I guess. I was never very interested. None of my friends were into it at first, and, to tell the truth, I found the whole thing rather troubling, if not downright disgusting. But then, you know, it's gotten to be so popular - it's always on TV, on the talk shows, in the fashion magazines, so lately I've gotten curious. I just thought I'd look around, since that store was said to be the best.
Inspector Mole: What do you mean, the best?
Miss X: Just that everybody says so, says it's really basic, just the essence, like, the underneath, you know?
Inspector Mole: Yet Mr. Frick remembers seeing you before.
Miss X: I’m sure he's just as wrong about that as he is about the other thing. In fact, I think he has probably gotten me confused with someone else. It's happened before, you know, I'm not the most uncommon type of human being there is.
Inspector Mole: And yet no two specimens are exactly alike, and Mr. Frick is experienced in this field.
Miss X: Your Mr. Frick is an asshole, that's what I think, if you really want to know. That type just makes me sick. They creep around and spy on you, judging you as if they're god, and wearing those beetle vision focals, yes, they look like bugs, and they act like bugs. He is a bug, some kind of gruesome insect thing. They follow you around and make you so uncomfortable - they shouldn't be allowed to have them in the stores. In fact, I'm going to complain, and I'm going to sue that slimy bug for everything he's worth, even though that can't be very much.
Inspector Mole: That would suit me fine, Miss X. In a trial, the truth comes out. And I intend to know the truth of this affair.
Miss X: Well, I've already told you. I am innocent. I’ve been falsely and unjustly accused of a crime that I did not, that I could not commit.
Inspector Mole: Miss X, please tell me, what is it that you do? What is this career you're so upset about?
Miss X: I work at Henrietta Marvell's school of beauty.
Inspector Mole: Skeletal beauty?
Miss X: Yes, of course, that is involved, but it isn't my department. I am a nail and pigmentation, shape and tone designing engineer consultant.
Inspector Mole: My, that's quite a title! But I'm not sure I understand. What is it that you do?
Miss X: I instruct.
Inspector Mole: And whom do you instruct?
Miss X: My students, naturally. I offer several courses related to my field.
Inspector Mole: So you are primarily involved in what they now call 'superficial beauty'?
Miss X: Well, I don't call it that. I prefer to think of it as classical, or traditional, if you please. I belong to the old school, which believes that beauty is essentially skin deep. In the natural eye - not in the eye that peers through those satanic spectacles. If god had wanted us to see through our external parts, he would have fashioned our optical apparati differently, don't you agree?
Frick: The skeleton is more individually unique than even fingerprints. And, of course, they say that motives of the deep unconscious are revealed in the tensions of the bones. This is what I mean by watching the arms and hands and legs and feet. Everybody gives themself away, in one manner or another.
Inspector Mole: Tell me, Mr. Frick, do you ever feel at all peculiar looking a people through those things?
Frick: No, not really, sir, because I only do it in the line of duty, and I am a professional. I know some people say there is a kind of beauty in the skeletal arrangement, but frankly, sir, I just don't see it. I must not have that sensibility in me.
Inspector Mole: I see, well, never mind. I was only curious.
Frick: I am only doing my job, sir. I can assure you that it gives me no other sensual stimulation of any sort or kind.
Inspector Mole: Yes, yes, go on. It's really not important anyway.
Frick: Very well. As I was about to say, I watch the tensions in the bones, and follow everybody's movements. From these I can conclude a suspect or unsuspect nature in the subject. Of course, it matters what they do - where they go, what they touch, pick up, and buy, or fail to buy, as the case may be.
F. Jerome: As I was saying, Mr. Mole, the fossil culture picked up where the dead new wave left off. Slow motion was the order of the day - impassivity, indifference, apathy and immobility were characteristic traits of the major fossil types. Appearances became irrelevant: they were neither symbols for nor even against anything at all. This is of course significant because the skeleton fashion took all this to the extreme. But more than mere appearance, the same indifference applied to mental life as well. The tendency was frozen time, the intentional petrification of all culture and ideas.
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