Kristen Wyatt - Out Last Date.pdf

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Our Last Date | Kristen Wyatt | 2
Our Last Date
“H OW did you guys meet?”
Jon stops mid-garlic-smash with the blade of a knife
and looks across the kitchen table at his partner, Nate. They
raise their eyebrows at each other, and both of them look to
their twelve-year-old daughter, Lizzie, who hadn‟t paused in
peeling a potato when she asked.
“Um,” Nate says. “It was before we moved to New York…
so it was in LA.…”
“Funny story, actually,” Jon says. Nate looks to Jon and
opens his eyes wide in a way that seems to scream, No, my
God, what are you doing ? , but Jon waves a hand at him and
looks to Lizzie, who nonchalantly moves on to another
potato. She looks at them expectantly, and Jon smiles,
always a little gleeful and terrified when she mirrors an
expression that is so unbelievably Nate , it‟s hard to believe
she‟s real.
“I‟ll tell you about our first date,” Jon says, turning back
to the garlic he had abandoned momentarily. “Because,
truth be told, we don‟t really… remember how we met.”
“ Really ?” she asks as she looks to Nate for confirmation.
“Butwell, okay.”
“But what?” Nate asks.
“I was expecting something totally gross and romantic,
but this sounds way more fun,” she replies.
“Oh honey,” Nate says. “Don‟t even. When you know
that it all ends here in our kitchen, with you peeling potatoes
on a Saturday afternoon, believe meit‟s totally gross and
romantic.”
 
Our Last Date | Kristen Wyatt | 3
“Totally?” Lizzie laughs.
“Like, so gross and romantic. Deep fried romance, and
it‟ll teach you something aboutwell, I don‟t know if there‟s
a lesson in it.”
“So can I tell the story or what?” Jon asks.
“Yes, please, story,” Lizzie says. “How many more
potatoes do I need to peel?”
“Every potato ever grown,” Nate says as he shoves a few
more toward her. “Start now, you should be done by the time
you can drive.”
“I‟m going to look up lawyers to emancipate me during
story time,” Lizzie says confidently. “The story‟s just a big
distraction, actually. I‟m running away.”
“Come on, you guys,” Jon whines. “Now I want to tell
the story! Lizzie, you can run away later, after the potatoes
and our story . You wouldn‟t be here if it wasn‟t for this
story!”
“But she‟s running away,” Nate says as he chops his
assigned mixed vegetables. “Does she want to hear how we‟re
responsible for this state she‟s in? The one she has to flee ?”
“I‟m bored already,” Lizzie interrupts. “Dad, can you
check my e-mail for me on my phone? It‟s right over”
“No e-mail during family time,” Jon says sharply. “Okay,
shut up everyone, I‟m telling a story. It all started, um, I
guess five years before you were born. No… more than that.”
“No, less, I thinkI think it was four,” Nate says. “Right,
because it was two years before well, you‟ll get to it.”
“Right, right, okay, so flashback: four years before you
were born. Dad and I were still acting a lotI was on this
awful but popular prime-time drama, and Dad was filming
 
Our Last Date | Kristen Wyatt | 4
episodes for TV shows that would never get picked up
because that was his luck.”
“And one night”
“My story!” Jon laughs. “And one night, our mutual
friends threw a party and we… drank a little too much.”
“Gross, I don‟t think I want to hear this,” Lizzie
interrupts, scrunching her nose and determined to focus on
the potato in her hand and nothing else . “This isn‟t a kid‟s
story!”
“If you let me get on with it, you‟ll see what a good job I
did of editing this for your innocent ears,” Jon assures her.
“Because you‟re twelve and that boy who keeps calling
the house”
“This isn‟t about me!” Lizzie says as she laughs and
turns a bright, bright red.
“Honey, I think you‟ve peeled that potato back into…
whatever potatoes grow from. Seeds? Where do potatoes
come from?” Nate asks.
“I can look it up on my”
“No phones during family time! Can I tell this story or
what?” Jon asks.
“I guess,” Lizzie sighs. “So you and Dad drank too
much, so what? Don‟t make it gross.”
Jon glances at Nate, who looks up from almost slicing
his finger off and grins at Jon, urging him on with the story
now that there would be no more interruptions for at least
five minutes. Jon clears his throat and says, “So your dad
and I were at the same party, drank a little too much, and I
woke up one Saturday morning, really hungover.”
“Oh, ew, was”
 
Our Last Date | Kristen Wyatt | 5
“Ahem. It was 2007, and I woke up next to my new,
first-generation iPhone, already proving itself to be my
savior.”
“Wow, that‟s old ,” Lizzie laughs. “Did it have a
keyboard ? And like, buttons ?”
“Not important!” Jon replies.
“Four buttons,” Nate interrupts.
“That‟s it, total silence until the awesome story of how I
met your father is over no talking .”
A FTER five straight minutes of his phone refusing to shut
the hell up, Jon grabs it and squints at the screen.
REMINDER: AIDS carnival
“Oh my God, what?” Jon asks his phone.
REMINDER: date with Nat
“Oh my God, who ? Natalie? ” Jon shrieks. “I‟m straight
now?”
REMINDER: 2 hours: AIDS carnival
“Please stop it,” Jon whines to his phone.
Jon‟s shaggy monster dog, Pedro, rushes in to hush his
cries, but maybe that‟s just another reminder that he‟s
hung-fucking-over and there‟s apparently an AIDS carnival
to get to? Why did he
Of course. It was… someone‟s party last night. And.…
REMINDER: invite Nat to brunch?
“Who is Nat? Who?” Jon asks his phone.
REMINDER: kill felix
 

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