PB_8types_pt3.pdf

Conversational

For All

Types

part 3 f 8

Women

of the Pandora’s Ph.D.

Strategy Series

Mastery

introduction

Universal conversation fundamentals

Emotion over logic

Men and women communicate in different ways, because they have different

reasons for why they are communicating. Since men and women play different

roles in sexual relationships, and sex is the foundation of underlying romantic

relationships, it makes since that women would be looking for different things

in men, then men look for in women. The same is true when it comes to

conversation.

Men tend to focus on informational sharing, persuasion, and problem solving.

Because of this, men tend to focus on facts, observable and provable. But

women tend to focus on empathy – on emotional understandings. Women

are more interested in exploring ideas and feelings, and sharing emotions –

positive or negative.

This is why it can be dificult, even frustrating, for men to talk to women.

There doesn’t seem to be any goal or purpose, and the conversation seems

to go on and on, or falters awkwardly if the man is incapable of shifting to a

more emotion-based mindset.

The good news is that men and women have a lot in common as well – we are

both humans, and our needs aren’t that much different. More so, men can use

a structured, goal-oriented approach to satisfying the emotional needs women

have in conversations. We can make the “non-goal” a goal in itself with the

proper understandings.

Relating over problem solving

We could say that the biggest difference between men and women, conversa-

tionally, is that men are more concerned with competition and asserting status,

while women are more focused on empathy and exploring emotions.

As men, we can understand how women think because we do it with our very

best friends. The way you interact with your closest friends is the way women

prefer to interact all the time. Think about how you converse with your buds,

alternating between joking and ribbing each other, listening intently and shar-

ing your deepest thoughts, hopes and fears, and even the moments of comfort-

able silence – this is what you should do with women you just met.

This is the way charming men interact with people – they are uncensored and

unafraid to show vulnerability because they are secure in themselves, and

know that we can all relate. They like to joke and play with others, making fun

of themselves as much as anyone else. And they know how to relax and let go

of needing to say anything – just making small talk is ine, or not talking at all

is sometimes the best way to demonstrate a connection.

Inner Process Statements and Questions

There are two fundamental elements of a conversation – statements and ques-

tions. Duh. But the way to make these elements interesting is by incorporating

inner-process language. If you’re telling a story, include details about how

you felt, or what you thought throughout the sequence of events. Talk about

the kind of person you are, and how your personality traits played a role in the

story.

If you are making an observation, include your impressions and inner dialogue

concerning the topic. Always speaking with passion – be expressive and use

your tone, facial expressions and hand gestures to emphasize the feelings you

are experiencing. A good way to think about conversing with women is that

you are not talking as much as you are communicating.

Just as there is no one way to communicate with technology today – texting,

Facebook, email, oh yeah, actually talking on the phone – the same is true

with conversation. There are a million different ways to send a message. With

women, there are a handful of messages that elicit the most important emo-

tions for taking things in an intimate direction.

Questions

Questions should be used to draw out the authentic expression of others. This

does three things. First, it makes you seem more dominant and interesting,

because you aren’t worried about what others think of you – you care about

what’s going on with them. Few people do this. Second, it helps people feel

comfortable around you, and thus crave your company. Third, once a woman

begins to share more of herself- her innermost thoughts, fears, hopes, memo-

ries and values, you then have a great reason to escalate. Your attention no

seems to come from power, rather than neediness, because she perceives it to

be a reward for her conversational effort.

Statements

Statements have the exact same purpose as questions. Most people talk to

prove their value to others. This is bad. Instead, when you tell people about

yourself, you should do so with the intention of showing them that it is safe to

be honest, vulnerable, and express your personal style. This means you can’t

“play cool.” Be a dork, be honest, and make fun of yourself and others. This

conveys conidence (dominance) because you clearly don’t care about people

rejecting you, but it also helps others come of their shells.

A disclaimer: not everyone is going to like you. The more expressive you are,

the stronger people’s opinions are towards you – look at celebrities. Some

people love Colin Farrell, some “hate” him. Look at musicians – Prince for

example. I love the 80’s Prince, but I hate the 90’s Prince. Why do I even have

such strong opinions? Because he’s expressive and “out there” so he garners

strong reactions. The more expressive and free you are with how you behave,

the more politicized people will be. Learn to accept this and not focus on it.

I always try to remind myself that one day I will be on the verge of death and

that I’ll want to look back on my life and say to myself, “I was ME all the

way!”

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