-- Chapter 14 - Going too far part 5 --
“Come in” called Yuuki when she heard the knock on her room door.
Zero hesitated a moment before opening the door. The Chairman had already left for yet another late night meeting with the Council and this was one of the reasons why he’d cornered her tonight. He had already showered and changed into a clean T-shirt and jeans. Somehow, he couldn’t put on his pyjamas… not now – he was feeling pretty lousy and vulnerable enough as it was.
But Yuuki was in her pyjamas, sitting in her desk chair and looking back at him with that vacant stare. Zero froze – it was the pale yellow satin pyjamas and it instantly transported him back to a past occasion when she’d gone in search of him and he again recalled how he had half stripped the shirt off her before satiating himself on her blood, holding her lovingly in his arms.
But that memory only brought pain now, and Zero wondered if she was wearing it just to taunt him by reminding him of the closeness they’d shared before his rash action last week ruined everything.
“Lock the door…” murmured Yuuki as she got up from the chair. Zero did as she asked, then turned around to see her unbuttoning her shirt – again. But her movements were very different from the last time. Then, she’d been a totally entrancing mix of defiance and shyness, thinking only of his discomfort and how she could alleviate it. Now, her movements were jerky, her face impassive as though steeling herself for something unpleasant… and he knew he could not drink from her… not like this…
“No, Yuuki…” he groaned.
Yuuki paused for a heartbeat, her fingers again on the last button, before she slipped that free, almost pulling the button off in her haste. She shrugged out of her shirt and let it fall carelessly onto the floor behind her. Inside, she wore a cream coloured sleeveless tank top.
“Take what you want, then please leave…” she said, the words as expressionless as her face, as she used one hand to sweep the shiny hair off her neck and turned slightly to present him with the exposed side.
Zero almost died at her words. Had it come to this…? he thought in despair. Why couldn’t she see that he loved her?
Yuuki stood still, shutting her eyes and Zero saw her other hand clenched into a fist at her side. He took a hesitant step forward, then another, and another until he was standing directly in front of her.
Zero both saw and heard Yuuki take a deep breath, as though steeling herself for an unpleasant ordeal and he shuddered, hands reaching to grasp her bare arms. “Yuuki… please…!” he said brokenly.
Yuuki opened her eyes and Zero again saw the one emotion he didn’t ever want to see in her eyes when she looked at him – fear. And it cut him to his very soul. Stumbling back, he fell onto his knees in front of her, shoulders slumped, head bowed.
He didn’t hear Yuuki’s sharp intake of breath. But he heard her voice. “Z-Zero?”
Zero looked up. Yuuki was finally looking at him and complete shock had overwritten the fear in those large brown eyes. “Yuuki… let me apologise, please…” he said.
Yuuki was staring down at him as if she’d never seen him before and Zero took the opportunity to continue.
“I’m sorry – I never meant to hurt you, never. I just thought… you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I’d rather die than hurt you, you know that” he murmured, shameful tears gathering again in his eyes. He had no pride left. None. He was already on his knees begging her forgiveness. And if she didn’t give it to him - well, then he didn’t know what he would do then.
“Please say you forgive me, Yuuki…” Zero whispered, his eyes filled with heart wrenching pain.
Yuuki looked shocked at his words. “Zero? What - what are you talking about?” she asked as she sank down onto her own knees in front of him and looked searchingly into his eyes.
Zero managed a shaky sort of smile… sort of… at least she was speaking to him again. And there was no fear in her eyes now – he breathed a prayer of thanks for this. “You fear me, Yuuki…” he whispered. Yuuki closed her eyes for a moment, hearing the pain in that tortured voice. “You can dislike me… you can even hate me… but please… not fear… not ever fear… I can’t bear it…” he choked out.
Yuuki stared at Zero for what seemed like ages. How could she have been so… so blind? Was this how he was suffering all this time? Thinking she was afraid of him? Thinking he’d done something so irreversible as to kill the deep affection she had for him? She drew a painful breath, realising now what she’d felt was so pathetic compared to Zero's agony. Why hadn’t she seen how he was feeling? Why had she been so blind? How could she not have even noticed? She, who always knew how he was feeling?
“I don’t fear you, Zero…” she whispered. “Really, I don’t…”
“Don’t deny that, Yuuki! I’m not stupid!” he glared at her through his tears. Almost.
Yuuki took a deep breath, speaking more firmly. “I’ve never feared you, Zero. Never.”
Zero looked at her disbelievingly. “I saw fear in your eyes that night, don’t deny it.” he said flatly.
Yuuki closed her eyes, flushing hotly at the memory of that night, praying for strength to say the truth. “It – it wasn’t fear of you, Zero. It was fear of what… what we… what I…felt…” she said, cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I – I was afraid of what we did… what we almost did…” then remembering how it all ended “no, what we did…do…” she ended lamely.
Zero stared at her, unable to believe his ears. She didn’t fear him? She feared what they did? It didn’t make sense to him… but he was conscious of a growing sense of hope burgeoning in his heart. She didn’t fear him… she didn’t fear him… she didn’t fear him!!
“Why?” he remembered to ask faintly.
“Because…” Yuuki hesitated, catching her lower lip in small white teeth, and making Zero suffer a maddening urge to drag her into his arms and hold her there forever. He held himself tightly in check. “Why were you afraid, Yuuki?” he asked softly, wanting to know, needing to know.
Yuuki looked at him. “Well, it – it felt wrong…” she said, almost in a whisper.
How could it have been wrong? thought Zero, wondering if he’d heard wrongly. “I don’t understand…”
Her blush deepened. “What we did… it’s not something a brother and sister would do… to each other…” she confessed, her eyes mirroring hurt and guilt and complete confusion..
Zero stared at her, conscious of a sinking feeling in his heart. She’d been so… passionate… then… he’d forgotten she didn’t love him that way… she didn’t know how he felt about her, she’d just felt it was wrong somehow…
It was a painfully bittersweet moment to Zero – Yuuki didn’t hate him and she didn’t fear him… but she didn’t love him, the way he desperately wanted her to… and then he realised his relief that she didn’t hate or fear him was immeasurably larger than the disappointment that she didn’t love him in that sense. After all, it had been that way for as long as they knew each other, hadn’t it?
Zero exhaled then, shaking his head and swiping at his eyes, knowing some explanation was in order for things to go back to the way they were. In many ways, Yuuki was very much a child... even though she was only a year younger than him. And the last thing he wanted was for her to think of him as a perverted individual, out to ruin the innocence of a younger sister…
“Hey… you all right?” asked Yuuki softly, her wide eyes filled with concern and guilt.
Zero nodded. “I am… now…” he murmured as he slowly got up and reached down to pull her up as well. Yuuki allowed him to, but looked down at their clasped hands instead of at him.
“Come here, Yuuki…” Zero said softly, pulling her towards her bed. He sat down on it and pulled her down beside him, putting his arms around her shoulders and drawing her close. He could feel her body trembling slightly. “Hey, don’t be scared, I just… want to… talk a bit…”
Yuuki peeped up at him, blushing as though she had an inkling what he wanted to talk about, and Zero’s face warmed a little in response. He was silent for a moment, just enjoying the feel of her body against his, while he rested his chin on her hair, mentally stringing words together. Then he cleared his throat to speak.
“First of all, I’m sorry… about what happened” his cheeks were flushed as much as hers. “The – the first time, I mean… when I lost control… and I… hurt you…”
Yuuki shook her head and started to speak but he stopped her. “No – I have to say it. What I did was… wrong. It frightened you and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. But I did, because I was angry. And…” Zero paused to swallow and to clear his throat. “I was jealous” he admitted hoarsely. “Of Kuran.”
Yuuki’s already wide eyes widened still further. Zero was jealous? Is that why he was always so angry around Kaname? she wondered.
“I – I’ve been jealous of him for quite some time, actually…” he added and Yuuki gasped softly.
After a moment, Zero continued. “And then, after that first time…” he broke off to exhale. “I - I made an assumption, a wrong one… about…” He stopped, wondering if he was making any sense at all. “How you felt… about me, I mean” he clarified.
Yuuki didn’t say anything, she was still staring up at him as if transfixed. Zero’s hands shifted to her shoulders and he shook her a little. “Yuuki? Are you listening to me?”
Yuuki blinked and nodded. “Go on…” she said softly.
Zero cleared his throat again and took a deep breath. “I know now… guess I’ve always known actually… “ He gave a little shrug “…that you don’t think of me the way I think… of you.”
Yuuki made a small movement as though she wanted to say something but Zero shook his head, not wanting her to interrupt, afraid he might not have the guts to say what he needed to say.
He pulled back a little to hold both her hands in his. They both shifted automatically to face each other, still sitting on the bed. Yuuki looked at him questioningly, her head slightly tilted to one side. There was no fear in her eyes now, just a lingering shyness over what had happened mixed with curiosity at what Zero was going to say next, even though instinct whispered something very, very softly to her… that she knew to be true.
Zero saw that and paused. “Yuuki – you know now… don’t you…” he said slowly.
Yuuki looked at him steadily. “Tell me…”
Zero groaned softly – was she really going to make him go through with this? he thought somewhat ruefully, releasing her hands to drag his fingers through his hair before capturing her hands again in his. He took another deep breath, released it, and somehow found the courage to look into her eyes, fingers clenched tight on hers as he finally confessed “I’ve fallen in love with the girl I first thought of as my younger sister…”
Then, as Yuuki’s eyes widened, Zero continued softly “At first, she was just a sister to me… kinda annoying but lovable too… I – I was hurting inside when I met her… hurting so much… and I tried to keep her away from me, because I didn’t want to hurt her. But she kept coming back to me, and she never left me alone. And then I realised I didn’t want her to… Somehow, she became my best friend, the only who saw me as I really was… and she loved me enough to put up with me and my moods, she loved me enough to save me by letting me drink her blood, she made me promise not to leave her side… and I’ve… I’ve fallen in love with her… you, Yuuki. I’m in love with you.”
There – he'd said it. He’d finally said it… and more words than he’d ever said at any time… feeling his heart and soul soar with an almost giddy lightness that the heavy burden of keeping this secret had finally been lifted. He’d held that secret for so long… although their Father knew, Kuran knew and probably half the school as well, but it hadn’t been the same – because Yuuki hadn’t known. Now she did and he had no more secrets from her… none. He’d given them all to her, to do as she wished. He was completely vulnerable and helpless before her now… and on tenterhooks as well, waiting for her response, wondering what she’d say to this revelation.
“I love you too, Zero” said Yuuki solemnly, her eyes large and serious.
And Zero’s lips twitched, he couldn’t help it. Oh, Yuuki…
Slowly, he bent forward to touch his forehead with hers. “I mean – I love you, as in ‘marry me and have my babies’ kind of love, Yuuki…” he clarified in a whisper.
Yuuki’s eyes widened again and she blushed deeply. Zero released one of her hands to brush his knuckles gently down one flushed cheek. “I know, dearest…” her eyes closed for a moment and her blush deepened at the sudden and unexpected endearment.
Zero paused to touch her cheek again, before he continued “but I also know that you’re not in love with me.” Seeing Yuuki about to speak again, he placed a gentle finger on her lips. “And it’s OK, just knowing that you love me as you do… and that you’re not afraid of me, is more than enough…” he said softly. For now… he added silently.
As Zero had more or less expected, Yuuki’s eyes overflowed with tears. She placed her hands hesitantly on his shoulders. “I didn’t know, Zero…” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”
“Shh, you’ve nothing to be sorry about…”
Zero hugged her close to him, savouring the pure and heart warming joy of simply being able to hold Yuuki in his arms once again. He’d gone through such hell the past week, and he now realised she had too…
Yuuki kept quiet, letting her warm tears soak the front of Zero’s T-shirt. His confession explained a lot of things, particularly the way he had started to behave towards her recently. And she wondered anew at his gentleness and patience with her especially during the times when she must’ve acted so stupid, not to have even noticed or sensed how he felt about her. It hurt her so much that she was unable to give Zero the love he wanted, the kind he deserved. He must have been in so much hell this past week… even more than her actually, because of what he thought he’d lost. And why he’d been so angry in the first place, with Aido unwittingly feeding his anger and his jealousy. Somehow, she’d have to think of a way to make it up to Zero, she could feel that he was still hurting inside…
Zero remembered he hadn’t actually finished his explanation. Resting his chin on her hair, he continued hesitantly “That’s why I… we – uh, I tried to, um, make love to you… after the first time, I mean…” he mumbled. “And we uh… got rather carried away…” it was the understatement of probably the millennia, not century, but thankfully Yuuki didn’t laugh at this.
“But… Zero, we did… you know, make love…” she murmured, still looking at his T-shirt and Zero had to smile at that. “No, Yuuki” he said gently, pulling back slightly and tiling her chin up to look into her eyes. “We didn’t… but it was a really close call though…” he admitted. He’d almost taken her innocence and he thanked God he hadn’t managed to. Yuuki buried her face in his damp T-shirt, cheeks flaming again as she remembered how close Zero had come to making her his.
“But – but you… touched me… there… ” she said in an agonised whisper and Zero’s smile disappeared immediately. “I did, I know…” he murmured.
“And you – you tasted me, I mean, my, uh… ” Yuuki burst out, looking mortified.
Zero blinked. “What’s wrong with that?” he asked, his lips twitching a little. Yuuki was just so innocent sometimes, he couldn’t help teasing her… just a little…
Yuuki gaped at him. “What’s wrong?” she asked indignantly. “How can you say that, of course it’s wrong…”
Zero couldn’t stop his grin this time. “You tasted good, Yuuki” he said, as solemnly as he could. A small fist landed on his arm as Yuuki glared at him fiercely, her cheeks flaming.
“Ow! OK, OK, I’m sorry…”
“And – and you made me feel… uh…” she broke off and squirmed briefly against him.
Zero regarded her with a tender, exasperated look not unmixed with amusement. “Yuuki, it’s called an orga – ”
A soft shriek stopped him as Yuuki quickly stuffed her fingers in her ears, looking even more mortified. “Don’t say it!” she said in a panicked whisper. After a moment, in which Zero had to bite his lip hard not to grin again, Yuuki removed her fingers from her ears tentatively.
“Well, I thought… since you were so… you know, aroused – ” Zero ignored Yuuki’s embarrassed gasp “that I just wanted to…” he broke off again as she glared at him.
“What?” he asked, wondering if he’d managed to make her hate him after all.
“Well, don’t – don’t ask me if I liked it!” blurted out Yuuki before she clapped a hand over her mouth, realising what she’d just said. Well, of course, she’d have to have liked it, hadn’t she, if she’d actually…
Somewhat stricken, she glanced at Zero who was trying his best not to laugh out loud, before hiding her face once more in his shirt. “I shouldn’t feel like that” she said half to herself. “I don’t know why I did…”
Zero’s amusement disappeared and he bent down to brush a kiss on her hair. “It’s OK, I was wrong to start it, not you…” They sat there for a moment longer then Yuuki raised her head. He was entranced to see her cheeks still gently flushed. “Promise me you won’t do that ever again” she said, eyes regaining some of her usual spark.
Zero grimaced then relented. “I promise I won’t do that again… “ he recited obediently and Yuuki sighed in relief. “… unless you want me to” he completed his promise. Yuuki’s mouth fell open before she tossed her head. “Don’t worry, I won’t!” she said indignantly, making him grin again, he couldn’t help it.
“I love you, Yuuki” he said again, ignoring her soft gasp. He sighed, shaking his head ruefully before confessing “You have no idea how much I’ve longed to say that…” Not waiting for her reply, he hugged her close again and repeated “I love you…”
Minutes ticked by as Yuuki tried her best to make her blush recede and her heartbeat slow down, even though she could hear Zero’s rather unsteady one next to her ear.
Finally, she spoke again. “Zero…?”
“Hmm?”
“What were you doing… you know, that time – over the toilet bowl?” Yuuki looked up. Zero thought he saw an impish glint in her eyes but it was gone in an instant. He scowled, feeling the heat creep up his cheeks again.
“None of your business.”
“Tell me!” Yuuki insisted.
“It’s uh, well – you know what it is!”
“Tell me… please?” Yuuki wheedled.
“If you don’t know, then I shouldn’t be telling you!” Zero argued, even though he knew he could deny her nothing at this stage.
Yuuki straightened up. “Tell me…” she said for the third time, looking directly into his eyes.
Zero closed his own. And kept them mostly closed as he told her, in as little words as possible and very… hesitantly. Yuuki listened, almost open-mouthed with wonder. She knew, of course, the bare bones of it, just as she knew very well what it was that he had made her feel that night… but it was just so much more interesting when Zero explained it, even though a couple of phrases were somewhat jumbled up and mumbled in a barely audible tone. She couldn’t stop herself from even asking a couple of very pertinent questions that made Zero flush hotly to the tips of his ears before he could bring himself to answer them.
Finally, they both fell silent again and this time, Zero’s bloodlust stirred and he shifted uncomfortably. He sighed before murmuring reluctantly “I’d better go…” completely forgetting this was the reason why Yuuki had asked him to her room earlier. He inhaled sharply as the invisible bands tightened around his chest suddenly and he released one hand to clutch at his T-shirt.
“It’s OK, Zero…” Yuuki knew what was happening and she sat up straighter, finger combing her hair to the right side, exposing the left side of her neck.
His gaze slid inexorably to her neck, then back into her eyes, the amethyst of his own eyes being slowly obscured by crimson. “Wait - Yuuki, do you forgive me? he asked quietly. He waited for her answer, knowing he wouldn’t take her blood unless she forgave him, even though the ache in his upper jaw told him his fangs were already growing out in anticipation.
“Oh, Zero, there’s nothing for me to forgive…” murmured Yuuki.
Zero shook her very slightly. “There is, damnit. Now, answer me, Yuuki, am I forgiven?”
Yuuki stared at him, reaching up to cup his face with trembling hands, and he closed his eyes briefly at the soft loving caress he thought he’d never feel again. “Always, Zero… always…” she whispered, blinking back tears.
He breathed a sigh of relief then. “I love you…” he said again and followed willingly as she pulled his face towards her neck.
“I know…” she whispered.
And for now, it was enough.
-- End --
BiJooMin