Guide To Flirting.pdf

SIRC Guide to Flirting

What social science can tell you about flirting and how to do it

Kate Fox

Social Issues Research Centre

Why do we flirt?

Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essential aspect of human inter-

action. Anthropological research shows that flirting is to be found, in some form, in all cultures

and societies around the world.

Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate

contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduc-

tion, and the human species would become extinct.

According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilisation

as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex lan-

guage, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail: a

courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achievements in everything

from art to rocket science may be merely a side-effect of the essential ability to charm.

If flirting is instinctive, why do we need this Guide?

Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of eti-

quette. These rules dictate where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. We generally

obey these unofficial laws instinctively, without being conscious of doing so.

We only become aware of the rules when someone commits a breach of this etiquette – by flirt-

ing with the wrong person, perhaps, or at an inappropriate time or place. Chatting up a widow at

her husband’s funeral, for example, would at the very least incur disapproval, if not serious

distress or anger.

This is a very obvious example, but the more complex and subtle aspects of flirting etiquette can

be confusing – and most of us have made a few embarrassing mistakes. Research shows that men

find it particularly difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women’s body-language, and tend

to mistake friendliness for sexual interest.

Another problem is that in some rather Puritanical cultures, such as Britain and North America,

flirting has acquired a bad name. Some of us have become so worried about causing offence or

sending the wrong signals that we are in danger of losing our natural talent for playful, harmless

flirtation.

So, to save the human race from extinction, and preserve the foundations of civilisation, Martini

commissioned Kate Fox at the Social Issues Research Centre to review and analyse all the scien-

tific research material on interaction between the sexes, and produce a definitive guide to the art

and etiquette of enjoyable flirting.

Psychologists and social scientists have spent many years studying every detail of social inter-

course between men and women. Until now, their fascinating findings have been buried in ob-

scure academic journals and heavy tomes full of jargon and footnotes. This Guide is the first to

reveal this important information to a popular audience, providing expert advice on where to

flirt, who to flirt with and how to do it.

Where to flirt

Parties

Flirting is most socially acceptable at parties, celebrations and social occasions/functions. At

some such events (e.g. Christmas/New Year parties) a degree of flirtatious behaviour is not only

socially sanctioned, but almost expected .

This is because most parties, celebrations, carnivals and festivals are governed by a special code

of behaviour which anthropologists call ‘cultural remission’ – a temporary, structured relaxation

of normal social controls and restrictions.

This might just sound like a fancy way of saying ‘letting your hair down’, but it isn’t. ‘Cultural

remission’ does not mean abandoning all your inhibitions, letting rip and behaving exactly as you

please. There are rules of behaviour at even the wildest carnival – although they may involve a

complete reversal of normal, everyday social etiquette. Flirtatious behaviour which is normally

frowned upon may be actively required, and prissy refusal to participate may incur disapproval.

Drinking-places

Flirting is also socially acceptable in some public settings, usually where alcohol is served – such

as bars, pubs, night-clubs, discos, wine bars, restaurants, etc. One survey showed that 27% of

British couples first met their current partner in a pub, and alcohol was voted the most effective

aid to flirting by respondents in the Martini Flirting Survey.

Flirting in drinking-places is, however, subject to more conditions and restrictions than at parties.

In pubs, for example, the area around the bar counter is universally understood to be the ‘public

zone’, where initiating conversation with a stranger is acceptable, whereas sitting at a table

usually indicates a greater desire for privacy. Tables furthest from the bar counter are the most

‘private’ zones.

As a rule-of-thumb, the more food-oriented establishments or ‘zones’ tend to discourage flirting

between strangers, while those dedicated to drinking or dancing offer more socially sanctioned

flirting opportunities. Restaurants and food-oriented or ‘private’ zones within drinking-places are

more conducive to flirting between established partners.

Learning-places

Schools, colleges, universities and other educational establishments are hot-beds of flirting. This

is largely because they are full of young single people making their first attempts at mate selec-

tion.

Learning-places are also particularly conducive to flirting because the shared lifestyle and con-

cerns of students, and the informal atmosphere, make it easy for them to initiate conversation

with each other. Simply by being students, flirting partners automatically have a great deal in

common, and do not need to struggle to find topics of mutual interest.

Flirting is officially somewhat more restricted in learning-places than in drinking-places, as

education is supposed to take priority over purely social concerns, but in many cases the differ-

ence is not very noticeable. Taking a course or evening class may in fact provide more opportuni-

ties for relaxed, enjoyable flirting than frequenting bars and night-clubs.

Workplace

At work, flirting is usually acceptable only in certain areas, with certain people and at specific

times or occasions. There are no universal laws: each workplace or working environment has its

own unwritten etiquette governing flirtatious behaviour.

In some companies, the coffee machine or cafeteria may be the unofficial ‘designated flirting

zones’, other companies may frown on any flirting during office hours, or between managers and

staff, while some may have a long-standing tradition of jokingly flirtatious morning greetings.

Careful observation of colleagues is the best way to discover the unspoken flirting etiquette of

your own workplace – but make sure that you are guided by the behaviour of the most highly

regarded individuals in the company, not the office ‘clown’, ‘groper’ or ‘bimbo’.

Participant sports/hobbies

Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The level of flirtatious behaviour,

however, often tends to be inversely related to the standards achieved by participants and their

enthusiasm for the activity.

You will generally find a lot of flirting among incompetent tennis players, unfit swimmers, cack-

handed potters, etc., but somewhat less among more proficient, serious, competitive participants

in the same activities. There are of course exceptions to this rule, but before joining a team or

club, it is worth trying to find out if the members have burning ambitions to play in the national

championships or win prestigious awards for their handiwork. If you are mainly looking for

flirting opportunities, avoid these high-flying groups, and seek out clubs full of happy, sociable

under-achievers.

Spectator events

Although they have the advantage of providing conversation topics of mutual interest, most

sporting events and other spectator pastimes such as theatre or cinema are not particularly condu-

cive to flirting, as social interaction is not the primary purpose of the occasion, and social contact

may limited to a short interval or require ‘missing the action’.

The most striking exception to this rule is horseracing , where all the ‘action’ takes place in just a

few minutes, the half-hour interval between races is dedicated to sociability, and friendly interac-

tion between strangers is actively encouraged by racecourse etiquette. In fact, our own recent

research on the behaviour of racegoers indicates that the ‘social micro-climate’ of the racecourse

makes it one of the best flirting environments in Britain.

Plik z chomika:

Inne pliki z tego folderu:

Inne foldery tego chomika: