The Drink Tank 074 (2006).pdf

The Drink Tank Issue 74: Check and Mate!

The 27 Jennifers

Judith Morel, SaBean MoreL and

Christopher J. Garcia

Fifth period Honors English. Schuel

was in seventh, a full year younger

than me, and I caught her lirting with

my man. I didn’t hit her, since the

only person I’d ever go after like that

in those days was SaBean, but I called

her every name I could think of.

I broke up with him the next

day.

Fast forward: it’s the third day

after Christmas Break my Freshman

year. I’ve got the hottest Senoir guy as

a boyfriend. His name was Matt Verger.

I also had a few guys on the side that

no one knows about.

No one but Jenn Lasker.

Jenn and I were Best Friends

Forever. In all circles of girls, there’s

the Smart one (me), the Slutty one

(Cheryl J.), the Hot one (Carla P.), the

Sporty one (Julie G.) and the Dumpy

one. The Dumpy one was Jenn L. She

wasn’t ugly, but when I saw Arrested

Development for the irst time, I real-

ised that Anne Veal, George Michaels’

girlfriend, was exactly like Jenn. One

night, while I was out partying with the

girls other than Jenn, she got it in her

head to rat me out to Matt. The two of

them hooked up and when I found out,

I railed on her and we both had to be

held back to keep from tearing each

other to schreds.

Jen Bermar fucked Jerry Jaied

when I was dating him. Jennifer Lewis

did the same to Mark Halper. Jenny

Lynn was almost there with Fes, but I

dragged her off him by her hair.

Jenny Lynn also backed into my

car a year earlier. Jennifer Glasser and

I would cheat off each other. When she

got caught, I got busted. Jenn Fanesti

and I fought over Gary Ashley.

I once had a threesome with Jen-

nifer Juliana and her boyfriend, but

she started spreading it around that I

was a slut (and OK, I kinda was) and

I once slept with Jennifer Grea. She

never called me back. Such was col-

lege.

Jenny Brachman gets the most

of my hate. She and SaBean were

friends and SaBean told her all of

the darker secrets about me that she

knew. Jenny spread them around

school. I beat up SaBean over that one,

and she recently appologized for it spe-

ciically, along with a hundred other

things.

So, I have a reason to hate Jen-

nifers.

Darling Judith

There’s a song about a guy who

went to school with 27 Jennifers (16

Jens, ten Jennies and a Jennifer) It’s

a good little song, but it reminded me

of why I hate Jennifers. I know that

sounds odd, that I’d hate someone be-

cause of a name, but trust, in my life,

it’s not at all hard to buy into.

The irst Jen who ever crossed

me was named Jennifer Schuel. She

was a tall girl, face like and angle.I had

been dating a guy for a few weeks. We

would spend lunch holding hands or

I’d drape my legs over him and we’d eat

the terrible, but addictive, sandwhich-

es they served. After lunch, he’d give

me a quick peck and then head into

SaBean MoreL

The irst girl I ever kissed was

named Jennifer. She was a great girl.

So was Jenny Brachman, especially

since I told her to spread around all of

Judith’s business to the entire school

(Sorry Sis). I’ve always found Jennifers

to be great minions.

Here’s the thing about Jennifers:

they’re not dumb, but they’re easily

led. Jenny Brachman was especially

easy to get to do my dirty work. She’d

have gone up to a tank and stand in

front of it if I’d asked her to. She was a

nice girl, but not too bright.

Jennifer Lowaed was beautiful

and if you wanted to start a rumor,

she was the one you went to and let a

tiny bit of info loose. She did a lot of

damage to a lot of bitches on my ac-

count. She was also one of those girls

that you could count on if you needed

a chick to make a dude jealous. She

was tough though, and the one time we

fought, she ripped a patch of my hair

out that I was very sore about.

Chris’ favourite Jenn was Fan-

merstor, who is now Jenn Elps. She

was a big girl, but cute, and she would

always make cookies for Chris when

he’d come around. She was a damn

ine cook. I used her more than once

for more than one thing. Chris used to

get mad at me for doing it too.

The last Jen I can talk about is

the one who killed herself in a hotel

bothroom on a Friday night. It was

Chicago and she was shooting up,

along with the rest of us, and she was

depressed. A lot of junkies will stand

up and say that if you’re hardcore in

the shits, you shouldn’t use and they’ll

try and get you something to pick you

up. We did that with Jen, but she went

into the bathroom and shoot herself up

anyways. She knew her limits and the

dose must have been intentional. No

one noticed until almost an hour after

she went in there.

If I ever have a kid, and that’

snot too likely, I’ll not name her Jenni-

fer. Maybe Julifer, but never Jennifer.

I just don’t want her being one of those

Jens.

being the type of guy who could han-

dle an interpersonal relationship that

might just happen to have some depth.

She left me at the start of senior year

and I was broken, though I deserved it.

The next Jen was in college and

she was a nice girl, hilarious as they

come, but I wasn’t in the way where I

could possibly be with a chick the right

way. Still, we had a little fun and then

sorta drifted away.

Jen Myers was a cute girl that

I knew and never had the guts to ask

out. She would have been awesome, as

she was just plain fun.

I briely dated a Jennifer after

I left college. We only went out a few

times, and she had a little girl named

Marsha who was adorable, and I liked

her, but I was also hung up on another

girl who I would eventually end up dat-

ing for the better part of three years

before she cheated on me and messed

me up but good.

The next Jennifer didn’t work

out. She was nice, and she used to

talk and lirt with me, but nothing ever

came of it. I did kiss another Jen a few

weeks later, but that was a one-time

thing.

The last Jen was a Gen. Genev-

ieve. and we had our ups and downs.

We’re through but we still hang-out

(she came with me to Sonoma) and her

little girl is my favourite.

So you see, there are a long line

of Jens that have clouded my mind.

Christopher J. Garcia

I’ve dated a lot of Jens. It not

that I try, but I’ve always done it and

I’m betting I always will.

Jennifer Bushard was the girl

of my dreams. She was beautiful, far

smarter than I ever gave her credit for

at the time, and just about perfect for

me. I, on the other hand, was a jerk

and a liar and still years away from

My Visit to Cin-

ema Epicuria: The

Sonoma Valley FIlm

Festival

Cinema Epicu-

ria is not your aver-

age ilm festival. How

many fests can you

think of the have an

Executive Chef and

Sommlier on staff? That’s more about

Sonoma Valley in general than about

the fest. Still, Food and wine are a big

part of the fest...especially the WINE.

Vino lowed and the volunteers and

ilmmakers all partook throughout the

entire fest, making it even more fun

and interesting.

We got up there on Thursday

and ate at Mary’s Pizza Shack. The

food is solid and we chatted over

apetizers. Gen and I were staying at

The Sonoma Hotel. Gen’s a great girl,

and the fact that we can hang out

while being broke up is something I

don’t share with a lot of my exes. I paid

for the hotel, she paid for food. I got a

little extra on my side.

The irst ilm we saw was called

Starbucking. It was all about a dude

who traveled all around the world

visiting Starbucks. In order for him to

count that he’s visited one, he has to

drink at least a sample of coffee there.

I’ll do a full story on Winter (the guy)

later. It’s an interesting thing he’s do-

ing.

After that, we went back to the

room and watched some TV. There

wasn’t anything interesting on, so we

just got to sleep.

Waking up the next morning, we

went to my favourite breakfast joint.

La Salette. It’s a great restaurant for

dinner (Portuguess food) but I wouldn’t

have much time for dinner this trip,

so we went there every day for break-

fast. The rolls are excellent, but the

highlight had to be the Creme Anglais

Crepes. Just devine. I ate and headed

over to the Barrel Room

The Barrel room is just that: a

room with barrels. It’s a nice venue,

but it means that things tend to be a

bit echo-y. We set up and the irst ilm

was a local number called Hog Island.

I didn’t watch it. After that, it was

shorts. Other than SmartCard, which

I’ve already written about, it wasn’t

much, but there was a short by Kim-

berly WIlliams-Paisley, the girl from the

Steve Martin Father of the Bride, that

was OK since it had Patrick Dempsey.

That ended and then came and special

moment of the year.

The ilm was called The Pursuit

of Equality and it was all abotu the

row over the Gay Marriages that were

performed at the order of Mr. Gavin

Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco. It

was one of the few times in my life that

I actually believed that a politician was

more interested in the people he was

serving than potential election results.

Gavin came out with the movie, since

he was the big star of it, and he said a

few words beforehand. Then he came

out into the lobby.

I wasn’t in there because there

just weren’t enough seats. I took a

seat by the ire in the lobby and Gavin

brought over a glass of wine. We start-

ed chatting and about 15 or twenty

minutes later, he got up

and did the Q&A for the

ilm. We talked a little

about politics (his quote

that I’ll be using for all

my Me for Mayor stuff:

If I had to vote for one

Bad Candidate, it would

be Chris Garcia) and at

one poitn he said, when

discussing the leak being

authorized by the Presi-

dent ‘They impeached

Clinton for getting oral

a ilm that I hadn’t expected to enjoy

called Half-Empty. It was a musical

written by Dan Mirven. He was a good

guy, one of the founders of Slamdance,

and he had an awesome hat that went

along with my awesome hat. His movie

was about a guy who wrote a book

about happiness who goes to Germany

where his publishers think he’s really

big. He meets a girl and they have tri-

als and tribulations. It was funny and

the dialog was improved, which was a

theme this year.

The next movie I saw was one of

the ilms that I was most interested in.

It was a documentary about crossword

puzzles called Wordplay. It was a lit-

tle uneven, at irst being a doc about

Crosswords in general with interviews

with The Indigo Girls, Jon Stewart,

Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ken Burns and

others, while the second half was all

about the International Crossword

Contest in Stamford, CN. That’s sorta

the WorldCon of Crossword Puzzling,

including ilkers. The one song they

played for us was ‘If you don’t come

across, I’ll be down’ which was a

wretched pun but certainly sounded

like a fannish ilk tune. It’ll be released

in theatres in the coming months and

might even show up on IFC.

The best doc will also be in thea-

tres, though you wouldn’t believe it

from the title. Fuck (or F*ck as they

called it in the programme) was the

best doc I’ve seen in ages. It was basi-

cally the story of the word fuck in all

its uses. Through interviews with lin-

guists (who say that the whole Fornica-

tion Under Consent of the King thing

is bullshit and For Unlawful Carnal

Knowledge is nothign but a Van Halen

album) and porn star Tera Patrick, Pat

Boone, Miss Manners, Ice-T, Hunter

S. Thompson and others they manage

to pull a lot of entertaining talk about

what fuck really is. It also revealed that

fuck is no longer my favourite swear

word. It’s overused, even by me. Now,

cocksucker, that’s a tougher one. I

almost never use it and it has a better

cache.

After that, back to the hotel with

Natasha, who had joined us, and Gen.

We watched Saturday Night Live and

went to sleep.

The next morning was Sun-

day and it was an easy day. Bay Area

shorts were good, and then it was the

inal ilm I’d be announcing, NOVEM.

NOVEM was a ictional documen-

tary about a nine person college rock

group who did one recording session

before they all died in a car crash.

It was beautifully done and the mu-

sic was incredible. Check it out at

Novemmusic.com.

Then we headed home, exhaust-

ed. It was one of those drives, though it

started at 5 pm, where I could feel that

I was about to fall asleep. I didn’t and

we got home and I started working on

another screenplay.

sex, and now this. Can you fucking

believe this shit?” I always like to hear

politicians say it like it is.

The talk was nice and he was

drinking to get over the nerves about

the ilm. It went over really well, so

there was no need for the nerves at all.

Really nice guy.

The next was another shorts

programme with a ilm called Patch

featuring Debby Harry of Blondie. It

was an interesting little short, though

a little too ambiguous for me. The oth-

ers in the programme were interesting

as well. It was nowhere near as good as

the Cinequest shorts programmes, but

it was fairly good. That was the end of

my Friday.

Saturday was fun. It started with

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