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TERRY PRATCHETT - PYRAMIDS (A Discworld Novel)
[ISBN 0-552-13461-9]
BOOK I
The Book of Going Forth
Nothing but stars, scattered across the blackness as though the Creator had
smashed the windscreen of his car and hadn't bothered to stop to sweep up the
pieces. This is the gulf between universes, the chill deeps of space that
contain nothing but the occasional random molecule, a few lost comets and ...
... but a circle of blackness shifts slightly, the eye reconsiders
perspective, and what was apparently the awesome distance of interstellar
wossname becomes a world under darkness, its stars the lights of what will
charitably be called civilisation.
For, as the world tumbles lazily, it is revealed as the Discworld -
flat, circular, and carried through space on the back of four elephants who
stand on the back of Great A'tuin, the only turtle ever to feature on the
Hertzsprung-Russell Diagram, a turtle ten thousand miles long, dusted with
the frost of dead comets, meteor-pocked, albedo-eyed. No-one knows the reason
for all this, but it is probably quantum. Much that is weird could happen on
a world on the back of a turtle like that.
It's happening already.
The stars below are campfires, out in the desert, and the lights of
remote villages high in the forested mountains. Towns are smeared nebulae,
cities are vast constellations; the great sprawling city of Ankh-Morpork, for
example, glows like a couple of colliding galaxies.
But here, away from the great centres of population, where the Circle
Sea meets the desert, there is a line of cold blue fire. Flames as chilly as
the slopes of Hell roar towards the sky. Ghostly light flickers across the
desert. The pyramids in the ancient valley of the Djel are flaring their
power into the night.
The energy streaming up from their paracosmic peaks may, in chapters to
come, illuminate many mysteries: why tortoises hate philosophy, why too much
religion is bad for goats, and what it is that handmaidens actually do.
It will certainly show what our ancestors would be thinking if they were
alive today. People have often speculated about this. Would they approve of
modern society, they ask, would they marvel at present-day achievements? And
of course this misses a fundamental point. What our ancestors would really be
thinking, if they were alive today, is: 'Why is it so dark in here?'
In the cool of the river valley dawn the high priest Dios opened his eyes. He
didn't sleep these days. He couldn't remember when he last slept. Sleep was
too close to the other thing and, anyway, he didn't seem to need it. Just
lying down was enough - at least, just lying down here. The fatigue poisons
dwindled away, like everything else. For a while.
Long enough, anyway.
He swung his legs off the slab in the little chamber. With barely a
conscious prompting from his brain his right hand grasped the snake-entwined
staff of office. He paused to make another mark on the wall, pulled his robe
around him and stepped smartly down the sloping passage and out into the
sunlight, the words of the Invocation of the New Sun already lining up in his
mind. The night was forgotten, the day was ahead. There was much careful
advice and guidance to be given, and Dios existed only to serve.
Dios didn't have the oddest bedroom in the world. It was just the oddest
bedroom anyone has ever walked out of.
And the sun toiled across the sky.
Many people have wondered why. Some people think a giant dung beetle
pushes it. As explanations go it lacks a certain technical edge, and has the
added drawback that, as certain circumstances may reveal, it is possibly
correct.
It reached sundown without anything particularly unpleasant happening to
it* (* Such as being buried in the sand and having eggs laid in it.), and its
dying rays chanced to shine in through a window in the city of Ankh-Morpork
and gleam off a mirror.
It was a full-length mirror. All assassins had a full-length mirror in
their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them
when you were badly dressed.
Teppic examined himself critically. The outfit had cost him his last
penny, and was heavy on the black silk. It whispered as he moved. It was
pretty good.
At least the headache was going. It had nearly crippled him all day;
he'd been in dread of having to start the run with purple spots in front of
his eyes.
He sighed and opened the black box and took out his rings and slipped
them on. Another box held a set of knives of Klatchian steel, their blades
darkened with lamp black. Various cunning and intricate devices were taken
from velvet bags and dropped into pockets. A couple of long-bladed throwing
tlingo's were slipped into their sheaths inside his boots. A thin silk line
and folding grapnel were wound around his waist, over the chain-mail shirt. A
blowpipe was attached to its leather thong and dropped down his back under
his cloak; Teppic pocketed a slim tin container with an assortment of darts,
their tips corked and their stems braille-coded for ease of selection in the
dark.
He winced, checked the blade of his rapier and slung the baldric over
his right shoulder, to balance the bag of lead slingshot ammunition. As an
afterthought he opened his sock drawer and took a pistol crossbow, a flask of
oil, a roll of lockpicks and, after some consideration, a punch dagger, a bag
of assorted caltraps and a set of brass knuckles.
Teppic picked up his hat and checked its lining for the coil of
cheesewire. He placed it on his head at a jaunty angle, took a last satisfied
look at himself in the mirror, turned on his heel and, very slowly, fell
over.
It was high summer in Ankh-Morpork. In fact it was more than high. It was
stinking.
The great river was reduced to a lava-like ooze between Ankh, the city
with the better address, and Morpork on the opposite bank. Morpork was not a
good address. Morpork was twinned with a tar pit. There was not a lot that
could be done to make Morpork a worse place. A direct hit by a meteorite, for
example, would count as gentrification.
Most of the river bed was a honeycomb crust of cracked mud. Currently
the sun appeared to be a big copper gong nailed to the sky. The heat that had
dried up the river fried the city by day and baked it by night, curling
ancient timbers, turning the traditional slurry of the streets into a
drifting, choking ochre dust.
It wasn't Ankh-Morpork's proper weather. It was by inclination a city of
mists and drips, of slithers and chills. It sat panting on the crisping
plains like a toad on a firebrick. And even now, around midnight, the heat
was stifling, wrapping the streets like scorched velvet, searing the air and
squeezing all the breath out of it.
High in the north face of the Assassins' Guildhouse there was a click as
a window was pushed open.
Teppic, who had with considerable reluctance divested himself of some of
the heavier of his weapons, took a deep draught of the hot, dead air.
This was it.
This was the night.
They said you had one chance in two unless you drew old Mericet as
examiner, in which case you might as well cut your throat right at the start.
Teppic had Mericet for Strategy and Poison Theory every Thursday
afternoon, and didn't get along with him. The dormitories buzzed with rumours
about Mericet, the number of kills, the astonishing technique . . . He'd
broken all the records in his time. They said he'd even killed the Patrician
of Ankh-Morpork. Not the present one, that is. One of the dead ones.
Maybe it would be Nivor, who was fat and jolly and liked his food and
did Traps and Deadfalls on Tuesdays. Teppic was good at traps, and got on
well with the master. Or it could be the Kompt de Yoyo, who did Modern
Languages and Music. Teppic was gifted at neither, but the Kompt was a keen
edificeer and liked boys who shared his love of dangling by one hand high
above the city streets.
He stuck one leg over the sill and unhitched his line and grapnel. He
hooked the gutter two floors up and slipped out of the window.
No assassin ever used the stairs.
In order to establish continuity with later events, this may be the time to
point out that the greatest mathematician in the history of the Discworld was
lying down and peacefully eating his supper.
It is interesting to note that, owing to this mathematician's particular
species, what he was eating for his supper was his lunch.
Gongs around the Ankh-Morpork sprawl were announcing midnight when Teppic
crept along the ornate parapet four storeys above Filigree Street, his heart
pounding.
There was a figure outlined against the afterglow of the sunset. Teppic
paused alongside a particularly repulsive gargoyle to consider his options.
Fairly solid classroom rumour said that if he inhumed his examiner
before the test, that was an automatic pass. He slipped a Number Three
throwing knife from its thigh sheath and hefted it thoughtfully. Of course,
any attempt, any overt move which missed would attract immediate failure and
loss of privileges*. (* Breathing, for a start.)
The silhouette was absolutely still. Teppic's eyes swivelled to the maze of
chimneys, gargoyles, ventilator shafts, bridges and ladders that made up the
rooftop scenery of the city.
Right, he thought. That's some sort of dummy. I'm supposed to attack it
and that means he's watching me from somewhere else.
Will I be able to spot him? No.
On the other hand, maybe I'm meant to think it's a dummy. Unless he's
thought of that as well . . .
He found himself drumming his fingers on the gargoyle, and hastily
pulled himself together. What is the sensible course of action at this point?
A party of revellers staggered through a pool of light in the street far
below.
Teppic sheathed the knife and stood up.
'Sir,' he said, 'I am here.'
A dry voice by his ear said, rather indistinctly, 'Very well.'
Teppic stared straight ahead. Mericet appeared in front of him, wiping
grey dust off his bony face. He took a length of pipe out of his mouth and
tossed it aside, then pulled a clipboard out of his coat. He was bundled up
even in this heat. Mericet was the kind of person who could freeze in a
volcano.
'Ah,' he said, his voice broadcasting disapproval, 'Mr. Teppic. Well,
well.'
'A fine night, sir,' said Teppic. The examiner gave him a chilly look,
suggesting that observations about the weather acquired an automatic black
mark, and made a note on his clipboard.
'We'll take a few questions first,' he said.
'As you wish, sir.'
'What is the maximum permitted length of a throwing knife?' snapped
Mericet.
Teppic closed his eyes. He'd spent the last week reading nothing but The
Cordat; he could see the page now, floating tantalisingly just inside his
eyelids - they never ask you lengths and weights, students had said
knowingly, they expect you to bone up on the weights and lengths and throwing
distances but they never- Naked terror hotwired his brain and kicked his
memory into gear. The page sprang into focus.
'"Maximum length of a throwing knife may be ten finger widths, or twelve
in wet weather",' he recited. '"Throwing distance is-"
'Name three poisons acknowledged for administration by ear.' A breeze
sprang up, but it did nothing to cool the air; it just shifted the heat
about.
'Sir, wasp agaric, Achorion purple and Mustick, sir,' said Teppic
promptly.
'Why not spime?' snapped Mericet, fast as a snake. Teppic's jaw dropped
open. He floundered for a while, trying to avoid the gimlet gaze a few feet
away from him.
'S-sir, spime isn't a poison, sir,' he managed. 'It is an extremely rare
antidote to certain snake venoms, and is obtained-' He settled down a bit,
more certain of himself: all those hours idly looking through the old
dictionaries had paid off- 'is obtained from the liver of the inflatable
mongoose, which-'
'What is the meaning of this sign?' said Mericet.
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