Emotional IQ Husbands.pdf

Effortless English

Emotionally Intelligent Husbands

Publish Date: September 16, 2007

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data: n. information, facts

newlywed: adj./n.people who

were recently married; newly

married

indicate: v. show

transformed:v. changed

emotionally intelligent: adj.

good at handling emotions,

good at talking about emotions

honors: v. respects

emotions: n. feelings

emote: v. show feelings

by Dr. John Gottman

My data on newlywed couples indicate that more husbands are being trans-

formed. About 35 percent of the men we've studied fall into the category of

"emotionally intelligent husbands". Research from previous decades sug-

gests the number used to be much lower. Because this type of husband hon-

ors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions

from her. He will come to understand her world and those of his children

and friends. He may not emote in the same way that his wife does, but he

will learn how to better connect with her emotionally. As he does so, he'll

make choices that show he honors her. When he's watching the football

game and she needs to talk, he'll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing

"us" over "me".

evolution: n. change over time,

development

superior: adj. better

upbringing: n. how someone

was raised (by parents)

moral fiber: n. goodness

convey: v. show, communicate

elementary: adj. simple, basic

priority: n. something that is

important

revised: v./adj. changed, edited

map of his wife’s world:

detailed knowledge of wife’s

life

keeps in touch with: remem-

bers

admiration: n. liking, respect

fondness: n. good feelings for

outstanding: adj. great

I believe the emotionally intelligent husband is the next step in social evolu-

tion. This doesn't mean that he is superior to other men in personality,

upbringing, or moral fiber. He has simply figured out something very

important about being married that the others haven't yet. And this is how to

honor his wife and convey his respect to her. It is really that elementary.

The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his fam-

ily life because his definition of success has been revised. Unlike husbands

before him, he makes a detailed map of his wife's world. He keeps in

touch with his admiration and fondness for, and he communicates it by

turning toward her in his daily actions.

This benefits not only his marriage but his children as well. Research shows

that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an

outstanding father. He is familiar with his children's world and knows all

about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he

teaches his children to respect their own feelings-- and themselves. He turns

off the football game for them, too, because he wants them to remember him

as having had time for them.

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leads: v. does, lives

troubled: adj.having a problem,

upset

delighted: adj. very happy

mourn: v. feel sad for someone

who is dead (or gone)

The new type of husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life.

Having a happy family base makes it possible for him to create and work

effectively. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not

only when she is troubled but when she is delighted. When the city awak-

ens to a beautiful fresh snowstorm, his children will come running for him to

see it. The people who matter most to him will care about him when he lives

and mourn him when he dies.

entitlement: n. power (given by

society or government)

righteous indignation: n. feel-

ing very angry and correct;

angry because you think you

are right

authoritarian: adj. bossy, con-

trolling

withdraw into a lonely shell:

idiom. stop communicating

with other people

is his due: idiom. he is sup-

posed to get, is his right

consequence: n. result

The other kind of husband and father is a very sad story. He responds to the

loss of male entitlement with righteous indignation, or he feels like an

innocent victim. He may become more authoritarian or withdraw into a

lonely shell, protecting what little he has left. He does not give others very

much honor and respect because he is engaged in a search for the honor and

respect he thinks is his due. He will not accept his wife's influence because

he fears any further loss of power. And because he will not accept influence

he will not have very much influence. The consequence is that no one will

much care about him when he lives nor mourn him when he dies.

Learn More:

Dr. Gottman’s Relationship Institute

http://www.gottman.com/

Bill Ferguson’s Relationship Mastery

http://www.masteryoflife.com/

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